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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29141046">man eating caterpillars and eye opening butterflies</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/lizandre/pseuds/gayblockz'>gayblockz (lizandre)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Non-Binary Ranboo [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Dream SMP - Fandom, Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Anxiety, Coming Out, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Gender Identity Crisis, Happy Ending, Neopronoun User Ranboo, Neopronouns, Nonbinary Character, Nonbinary Ranboo (Video Blogging RPF), Platonic Relationships, Ranboo has a connection to his enderman side, Supportive Technoblade (Video Blogging RPF), Technobro, The Ender Language, The Syndicate - Freeform, Trans Character, Trans Ranboo (Video Blogging RPF), end does figure it out in the end so its good, gender realization, i will make that a tag i dont care, ranboo is oblivious to ends gender pls give end time end is struggling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 07:55:39</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,847</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29141046</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/lizandre/pseuds/gayblockz</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone feels like they have no gender sometimes. </p>
<p>Everyone has a sense of ostracization in regards to their identity. </p>
<p>Everyone wants to use pronouns that don’t exist in the English language. </p>
<p>***</p>
<p>End/It/Ae/Voi/Dirt Non-Binary Ranboo! Neopronoun users ily you deserve content &lt;3</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>No Romantic Relationship(s), Ranboo &amp; Technoblade (Video Blogging RPF)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Non-Binary Ranboo [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2138598</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>79</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>528</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>man eating caterpillars and eye opening butterflies</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hello the trans mcyt tag feels empty so i come here with neopronoun ranboo yet again</p>
<p>this time more nonbinary angst and feelings hehehe</p>
<p>Important Note: this is a fic about the character Ranboo from the Dream SMP. IRL Ranboo is (as far as we know) a cis man who uses he/him pronouns. I am writing this because he said he is okay with trans/nonbinary headcanons. :)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Everyone feels like they have no gender sometimes.</p>
<p>Everyone feels neutral about the pronouns and gendered words other people call them.</p>
<p>Everyone likes the comfort of gender neutral language.</p>
<p>Not because it has to do anything with gender, but it’s just the reassurance of being unknown, of the mystery of who you are, of strangers having no way to identify you from a simple glance.</p>
<p>It’s the fact that they have no preconceived notions, no assumptions, no prior knowledge of who you are.</p>
<p>That’s normal.</p>
<p>Everyone hesitates before telling strangers you’re a boy and your pronouns are he/him.</p>
<p>“I dunno,” Tubbo shrugs, when Ranboo shares his thoughts during yet another visit to Snowchester. “I don’t mind telling strangers I’m a boy.”</p>
<p>“Well, it’s not minding it, it’s more like…” he’s being more defensive about this than he should, and even if he understands that fact deep down, he doesn’t address it. “You hesitate because you like the sense of other people not knowing and not assuming your gender.”</p>
<p>“No,” Tubbo shakes his head. “I don’t have that.”</p>
<p>Ranboo opens his mouth again but closes it swiftly. He realizes he’s just digging his own grave. Caterpillars begin to gnaw at his chest and stomach, but he ignores them. Confronting them is scarier than letting him consume him whole.</p>
<p>The conversation moves along to regular Snowchester things. To the pretty view, to the smoke rising up from chimneys, to the ice covering the waters.</p>
<p>Ranboo doesn’t bring up the topic of gender to Tubbo again.</p>
<p> </p><hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>“What’s the syndicate?”</p>
<p>Ranboo ducks under a spruce tree in his way, following Techno almost blindly.</p>
<p>“It’s a secret society— organization— alliance? Well, it’s a union of anarchists, basically. I’ll explain more when we get there.”</p>
<p>“Get where?” Ranboo speeds up a bit, just enough to catch up with Techno, only to very quickly outpace him due to having longer legs (thanks to his enderman side). He chuckles awkwardly and slows down again, ready to repeat this cycle several times during their walk. “You just told me you’d show me something cool.”</p>
<p>“Oh, it is cool, Ranboo, don’t worry,” Techno smirks, speeding up as well.</p>
<p>They’re getting dangerously close to the shore, and Ranboo has his suspicions that—</p>
<p>Yep.</p>
<p>Techno makes his way to the edge of the ice and brings himself into a diving position, catching himself at the last second.</p>
<p>“Oh,” he turns around, looking at Ranboo. “Yeah. Sorry. We can go another way.”</p>
<p>The pair goes back on their route and turn into the little igloo Ranboo uses for trades often.</p>
<p>A few blocks get broken, and Techno triumphantly invites Ranboo down a spiraled staircase, descending below the ground.</p>
<p>It’s narrow, is clearly just the back door, and Ranboo’s height does not help the situation at all, but eventually they come out the other end, and they’re greeted with a fancily decorated room, lined with stone brick and turquoise wood.</p>
<p>“Welcome,” Techno’s grin does not hide in the slightest how proud he is right now. “To the syndicate headquarters.”</p>
<p>Ranboo takes a minute to take it all in. Another one to inspect the details. Another one to stare at the blocky square in the middle of the area.</p>
<p>“What’s this?” he asks, absentmindedly.</p>
<p>“That’s our table,” Techno explains. “Looks cool, doesn’t it?”</p>
<p>“You made the End Portal into a table?”</p>
<p>“The what?”</p>
<p>Ranboo points at the frame.</p>
<p>“The End Portal. It says it right here.”</p>
<p>Techno stares at Ranboo, then back at the frame, then back at Ranboo.</p>
<p>“You can read that?”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Ranboo nods. “It’s Ender.”</p>
<p>Techno pauses, in disbelief. He squats, inspecting the writing.</p>
<p>“The End Portal. What’s that?”</p>
<p>“I dunno,” Ranboo answers, honestly.</p>
<p>It sounds familiar, yet so distant.</p>
<p>For the rest of his time in the headquarters, he only half listens to what Techno is telling him about membership and rules and philosophy.</p>
<p>His eyes are drawn back to the supposed table, staring at the frame, and the frame staring back at him.</p>
<p>
  <em>The End Portal. </em>
</p>
<p>Ranboo thinks about it long after he’s already in his bed, trying to fall asleep.</p>
<p> </p><hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>Everyone attaches their sense of gender to random objects they find fascinating.</p>
<p>Everyone feels like their gender isn’t fully encompassed by any pronouns, adjectives or nouns they could ever be given.</p>
<p>Everyone wants to use pronouns that don’t exist in the English language.</p>
<p>Not because their gender is different from what they have been told, but because most things given to you as a child are really really boring, so when you grow older you replace them and find different ways of having fun.</p>
<p>“End. End, ends, endself.”</p>
<p>Ranboo is muttering to himself, looking in the mirror.</p>
<p>He’s trying things, experimenting, pushing himself out of this limbo he’s stuck in bit by bit.</p>
<p>“End went to the grocery store and bought some eggs for the cake end is going to make for endself in honour of ends birthday.”</p>
<p>The pronouns are somewhat adapted from Ender, even though it’s difficult to fit them in an English structure. He’s sure as hell is going to try, though.</p>
<p>“End is a member of the Syndicate.”</p>
<p>Pause.</p>
<p>That felt too real, too personal.</p>
<p>But it felt <em>right</em>.</p>
<p>There’s no going back now.</p>
<p>“End has issues with ends memory.”</p>
<p>Ranboo swallows, nervously.</p>
<p>One more step and the limbo will be left behind, for better or for worse.</p>
<p>“Ends name is Ranboo.”</p>
<p>It crashes down on end in one solid wave.</p>
<p>End puts both ends feet on the ground, and the limbo is behind end, once and for all.</p>
<p>But end looks back, and end can see the claws reaching out, trying to grab end.</p>
<p>“<em>His</em> name is Ranboo.”</p>
<p>End tries to reassure endself, tries to ground end in the notion that it’s all just a silly game and doesn’t mean anything, but the second the first syllable comes out of ends mouth it feels so utterly wrong end can’t help but cringe at endself.</p>
<p>End really did mean it when end said there was no going back now.</p>
<p>“M-m-m…” end whines, looking at endself in the mirror.</p>
<p>End had to tell someone, right?</p>
<p>It’d be a starting point. For knowing what to do next, at least.</p>
<p>But who could end tell?</p>
<p>Ranboo mentally goes through the list of possible people, and the more end thinks about it the more anxiety it gives end.</p>
<p>The caterpillars in ends guts are having a feast tonight.</p>
<p>Ends eyes frantically run around the room, trying to find anything to bring end some sort of comfort, to bring end back to earth.</p>
<p>Ends eyes land on the crown on top of ends head, and an idea pops in.</p>
<p>Maybe he won’t judge.</p>
<p> </p><hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>Ranboo stands awkwardly at the front door. End isn’t sure if end should knock, or if end should just wait awkwardly until someone notices end, or if end should just give up on the whole idea altogether and retreat into ends comfort room again, letting the walls consume end in an oppressive cocoon.</p>
<p>Thankfully, end doesn’t have to dwell long, because just as end is about to turn around and leave full of shame, the door opens.</p>
<p>Techno pauses, staring at the tall figure on his doorstep.</p>
<p>“… Ranboo,” he greets with a slow nod.</p>
<p>“Technoblade,” end averts ends eyes and fidgets with ends hands.</p>
<p>“What are you doing here?”</p>
<p>“Oh, I’m just, uh, standing, you know, like one does,” end lies. End has no idea how to bring up what end wants to say in casual conversation. “How— how have you been doing? Personally, I’ve been doing well, you know, standing around, on your porch, and—”</p>
<p>“You want to say something,” Techno states, bluntly. “Spit it out.”</p>
<p>Ranboo takes a deep breath, exhaling as to not choke on ends own words.</p>
<p>“I, uh. I did want to tell you something. I don’t know if it’s maybe weird, or, um, not very… normal..? You know what, if you’re weirded out, just forget—”</p>
<p>“Ranboo,” Techno’s stern voice brings end back to earth. It then softens. “Just say it.”</p>
<p>One more deep breath, and end’s ready to say it.</p>
<p>Tell another person.</p>
<p>Make it real.</p>
<p>“I’d like to, um, use end/ends/endself pronouns.”</p>
<p>“Okay.”</p>
<p>Techno nods with a level of nonchalance that leaves Ranboo frozen in surprise.</p>
<p>“You don’t use he/him anymore?”</p>
<p>End shakes ends head, and the response is once again a nod.</p>
<p>“Did you tell anyone else?”</p>
<p>Shakes head.</p>
<p>“Will you tell anyone else?”</p>
<p>End considers. End doesn’t come up with an answer.</p>
<p>“Okay,” Techno takes the silence as a reply in itself. “I won’t out you.”</p>
<p>Time unfreezes, and the casual routine of the day takes off once again as Techno slips past Ranboo through the door and walks down the stairs with his pickaxe slung over his shoulder.</p>
<p>When he reaches the end of the steps, he stops.</p>
<p>“What’s your gender, by the way? So I don’t misgender you.”</p>
<p>Ranboo freezes.</p>
<p>End didn’t think about this.</p>
<p>End didn’t want to think about this.</p>
<p>End asks what it says about end that end now has completely rejected he/him pronouns.</p>
<p>Is end just a confused man who denies ends masculinity simply because end doesn’t fit in?</p>
<p>That isn’t quite right.</p>
<p>But to even think that end could be something completely different, something beyond ends current worldview, something end never even considered?</p>
<p>It’s terrifying.</p>
<p>Techno, once again, takes the silence as an answer.</p>
<p>“Okay,” he continues his journey. “Feel free to tell me when you’re ready.”</p>
<p>And just like that, he disappears into the distance, with no indication of when he’ll return.</p>
<p>Just as Ranboo thought end found a pesticide for the annoying caterpillars in ends stomach, they return, eagerly consuming even more flesh in large chunks.</p>
<p>End sighs, lead seeping out.</p>
<p> </p><hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>Everyone has a sense of ostracization in regards to their identity.</p>
<p>Everyone feels like they’re different.</p>
<p>Everyone thinks that they have a unique relationship with their identity.</p>
<p>Ranboo is just like everybody else, it’s silly for end not to be, thinking of endself as anything more than ordinary, common, and <em>regular</em> would be incredibly arrogant and self-centered, and Ranboo just didn’t have that type of self esteem to spare.</p>
<p>Ranboo is terrified to label endself as <em>non-binary</em>, let alone <em>trans</em>, because surely that can’t be what end is experiencing.</p>
<p>End isn’t suffering enough. End doesn’t hate ends assigned gender enough. End doesn’t present androgynous enough.</p>
<p>End just isn’t <em>special</em>, and being trans is rare, so of course only <em>special</em> people must be trans.</p>
<p>But, no matter how much end tries to convince endself that end isn’t trans or non-binary enough, end looks in the mirror and doesn’t see a man.</p>
<p>End doesn’t see a woman either.</p>
<p>End doesn’t see a boy, a girl, a son, a daughter, end sees something end can’t quite place ends finger on.</p>
<p>End is confused.</p>
<p>And maybe that’s ends gender. Ends gender is just eternal confusion, eternal void into which end keeps falling, a sense of dread which doesn’t quite come. It’s a spiral of different shades of black, a mad dance of darkness, a theatre curtain which hasn’t opened yet. It’s a hand reaching out from the depths of nothing, a symphony of menacing pipe organs, a whispering shadow.</p>
<p>Ranboo won’t run from any of it, though.</p>
<p>Ranboo will embrace it, will accept it, will invite it into ends home.</p>
<p>End doesn’t have to settle for a dichotomy of she, he or they.</p>
<p>End can do whatever end wants, and what end wants is to omit description in favor of losing endself in a tango.</p>
<p> </p><hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>Ranboo decides to add it/its to ends mental list of pronouns that fit end. End predicts that won’t be the only addition, and that the list will undoubtedly grow as time goes on.</p>
<p>End/ends feels familiar though, for now, so end sticks to them. They feel like home.</p>
<p>The next time end meets Techno is at the syndicate headquarters. They meet up there to discuss the supposed portal, but the conversation quickly wanders off upon discovery that neither of them have new information.</p>
<p>“I think I know my gender now,” Ranboo informs, softly. “I don’t think I can describe it to you in a way that does it justice. But it’s not a boy or a girl.”</p>
<p>Techno nods, with a smile.</p>
<p>“I can stick to gender neutral language.”</p>
<p>“That would be good,” Ranboo allows endself to smile. End feels like end found ends footing.</p>
<p>They sit in silence for a bit, as Ranboo documents some things about the syndicate in ends memory book. Techno recommends end writes down as much as possible.</p>
<p>“I also decided to use some other pronouns, as well. In addition to the ones I have already. I’m thinking of a few sets I could use,” end mentions.</p>
<p>“How many?”</p>
<p>End stops.</p>
<p>End can’t have too many pronouns, can end?</p>
<p>Nobody would accept end if end had a huge list of how to refer to end.</p>
<p>Nobody should be expected to put up with such abnormality.</p>
<p>Not only does end have strange pronouns, end has <em>multiple.</em></p>
<p>
  <em>Unacceptable.</em>
</p>
<p>“There must be a limit on how many I can have, right?” Ranboo fumbles, anxiously. End broke the unspoken rules. End came off as stupid, silly, ridiculous. Ends punishment is humiliation, and end can feel it approaching.</p>
<p>“Why?”</p>
<p>Techno’s voice doesn’t sound sarcastic. It’s not a rhetorical question. When end looks up, end sees a genuinely perplexed face.</p>
<p>“I— I don’t know, it’s silly, dumb, most people wouldn’t even use them, if there’s too many they’ll just forget, <em>I’ll</em> forget—”</p>
<p>“Don’t you have a book to write things in specifically so you don’t forget them?” Techno cocks his head. The solutions he proposes are so trivially simple end can’t help but feel it’s some sort of trick.</p>
<p>“That’s… <em>stupid</em>, isn’t it? Who in the hell would need to write down their <em>pronouns</em> so they don’t forget? I’m so <em>dumb</em>,” end feels the corners of ends eyes burn with tears, and end is about to spiral before a stabilizing hand comes down on ends shoulder.</p>
<p>“<em>Why? Why not?</em>” Techno waits for the answer. When he doesn’t receive one, he sighs, frustrated, but the frustration isn’t directed at Ranboo. “Look, I may not know much about this. For my entire life I was told I was a guy, I used he pronouns, and it worked out for me. I never found particular comfort in anything else, so I stuck to it. But that’s the thing: I didn’t stick to it because of some weird rule book about what I can and can’t do with gender. I stuck to it because it <em>worked for me</em>.”</p>
<p>The rough hand comes up to Ranboo’s eye and wipes away the tears in a swift motion.</p>
<p>“If it doesn’t work for you, don’t bother with it. If having a million pronouns, writing them down, asking different people to use different pronouns for you – <em>whatever it is, if it works for you, do it.</em> Nobody will come to your house and murder you for it. And if they try?”</p>
<p>Techno’s face lights up with a manic smile.</p>
<p>“Well, there’s a reason the syndicate has withers in its arsenal.”</p>
<p>Ranboo can’t help but laugh at the implicit threat. Even if Techno is a terrifying force, it’s nice having him as one of ends allies.</p>
<p>End would dare to say one of ends friends.</p>
<p>“Thanks, Techno,” end squeezes out, with a sniffle, and takes out ends memory book.</p>
<p>“So, kid, what are you thinking?”</p>
<p>End smiles at <em>kid</em> and decides to start with the things end knows.</p>
<p>“Okay, so I definitely use end/endself,” end scribbles down the pronoun set. It looks right. “I think I also like it/its.”</p>
<p>End writes it down quickly, and waits for the judgmental backlash, but instead all end gets is a patient and understanding nod.</p>
<p>It smiles wider, now more confident in its next move.</p>
<p>“Ae,” it says confidently, writing down the set. “Ae/aer/aers/aerself.”</p>
<p>Ae lists the next set, writing it down without hesitation:</p>
<p>“Voi/void/voids/voidself.”</p>
<p>Voi pauses. The pen hovers above the paper, but doesn’t make the move.</p>
<p>“You think that’s it?” Techno looks down at the list, scanning it up and down, already trying to memorize it all.</p>
<p>“One more,” Ranboo proclaims, decisively, gingerly writing the last one, as carefully as voids clawed hands allow void.</p>
<p>Dirt/dirts/dirtself.</p>
<p>Dirt is gleaming with pride looking down at dirts work, closing the book gently as to not let the ink seep through the pages.</p>
<p>“So, which ones do you prefer I use for you?” Techno smiles at Ranboo, and the hand moves away from dirts shoulder. Dirt doesn’t need it to ground dirt anymore.</p>
<p>“Whichever ones you want,” dirt shrugs. “You don’t have to use all of them, it’s fine, it’s not easy to memorize it all,” dirt chuckles. “I, of all people, should know.”</p>
<p>Techno nods, and the two of them decisively head home, set on telling Phil about Ranboo’s new pronouns.</p>
<p>There’s no all-consuming caterpillars in dirts gut now, only butterflies.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>might write a sequel to this where end comes out to more ppl, who knows </p>
<p>if i fucked up the prns at any point pls tell me</p>
<p>thank you for reading !!<br/>pls leave kudos and comments if you enjoyed, don't feel pressured tho &lt;3</p></blockquote></div></div>
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